CHAPTER 33: THE YEAR OF STARTING OVER

Today is my birthday and the start of year 34. I wanted to share some lessons that I learned this year specifically about starting over. Society puts all these pressures on you, especially on women, to figure out who you are and what you want in your 20s because life is over once you hit your 30s. This is a bald-faced lie and I would like to speak to the person who started it. Life is not linear. You don’t walk a straight path in life to get to your final destination. You take detours, wrong turns, and even create new paths to discover who you are. Let’s talk about the lessons I’ve learned this year of starting over.

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PHOTOS BY: DORESE JENAE PORTRAITS

WHAT I LEARNED IN MY YEAR OF STARTING OVER

IT’S OKAY TO START OVER

After my season of rejection and loss for me – personal, financial, emotional, and mental – I knew my move back to Cincinnati was going to be one of a fresh start; something that I was both looking forward to and dreading. But to be honest, I was dreading everything that comes with starting over. I was dreading starting over because I felt like at my big age I should be so much further and not even thinking about starting over. But that’s the thing about life, it never goes as you plan. While year 33 has been an interesting journey, one of the most important lessons I learned this year is that it’s okay to start over – no matter what age you are.

It’s never too late, you’re never too old or young to start over. Everyone eventually starts over. But I think what isn’t shared often is that starting over doesn’t just happen in your 20s it can literally happen anytime in your life. And you know what? Starting over sucks. I had a lot of inner struggle this past year because I realized that I’ve literally had to start my life over. No matter when or why you start over, it’s hard and sucks. But no matter why you’re starting over, your future self will thank you for it. There are times when I think back to where I was, internally, last year and it continues to blow my mind how far I’ve come.

HEALING HURTS AND IT TAKES TIME

I’ve shared some of my journey with therapy this year. And while it’s been the best decision I’ve ever made, it doesn’t mean that it’s been an easy journey. Healing hurts. Exposing those old wounds and traumatic events that I learned to hide or make excuses for hurts. As my therapist always reminds me, the reason why it’s so painful is that you’re sharing things you’ve never shared with anyone before. And reliving those moments is painful but necessary to heal.

The other sucky thing about healing is that it takes as long as it takes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt so frustrated about thinking that I’ve really started to get over the hurt and move forward to find myself still reeling from a memory, situation, or conversation. Understanding that healing will take time was necessary to help me be patient and give myself grace with this process.

I’M OKAY WITH NOT BEING OKAY

This, by far, is a lesson that I’ve learned late in life. Especially this year when it felt like my personal life was in shambles. There were many days that I focused on work to avoid dealing with the personal and family issues that I’m dealing with. But guess what? It’s okay to not be okay. Life is not puppies, rainbows, and sunshine every day. You’re bound to experience things that will cause you not to feel okay.

But more importantly? It’s okay to admit that you’re not okay. I still have difficulty admitting that, out loud, to people when I’m not okay. But when I do? It’s so freeing to not feel like I have to be anything other than what I’m experiencing emotionally at that time. This was something that I learned in therapy and it truly has been a game-changer for me.

I’M NO LONGER OPERATING IN FEAR

Fear is something I’ve struggled with my whole life. I’ve also been a person that is easily frightened and then has nightmares. It’s the reason why I don’t watch scary movies. But outside of the emotion of fear, I also struggle, and sometimes am immobilized, with the psychological effects of fear – fear of starting, fear of failing, fear of other people’s opinions, and the list goes on. However, I decided that I will no longer operate this way. Life is entirely too short to be paralyzed by fear. I’m not gonna lie, I’m still tripping over this lesson but all I can do is my best and give myself grace as I continue to learn how to be fearless.

So, today, I’m giving a quick cheer to 33 and the many lessons I learned. But I’m also ready to experience everything that 34 has for me. I’ll be spending the rest of the day off indulging in things that I love – eating and sleeping. I hope these lessons encourage you to know that you don’t have to have it all figured out in your 20s, and it’s okay if you’re in your 30s and still trying to figure it out.

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