First I would like to give a shout out to the University of Cincinnati Corrections Institute for the phrase “single & satisfied.” I borrowed the phrase from an Ohio Risk Assessment System (ORAS) tool response that I used to conduct trainings. Without going into too many details, one of the questions asks about your relationship status and an answer is single and satisfied. I always loved saying that phrase because of the double entendre. Secondly, Valentine’s Day is coming up so it’s only fitting to talk about being single so folks are not asking me about my dating life.
MY CURRENT STATUS – NOT THAT ANYONE ASKED
Let me preface this by saying that dating is hard. I’ve tried a lot of dating apps prior and hated every moment of them. But I realized one of the main reasons I think I’ve been unsuccessful on them is because I absolutely hate, with a passion, small talk. Especially small talk that is going absolutely nowhere. If I get another WYD text, I will scream. Second, my sarcasm doesn’t always translate well through text. Imagine that. 🥴 So I just stop trying after someone doesn’t get my sarcasm – I low-key do this on purpose but this is something I’m still working on in therapy. 😅 So I’ve decided to give up on dating apps, I know, how un-millennial of me. But I think I am choosing to allow myself to find someone that I know or someone that I find grocery shopping – does that even happen anymore?
Anyways, that long-winded introduction was all to say that today I’m talking to you about how I’m valuing my singleness and why it’s okay to be single in your 30s – despite what my relatives say. 🙃
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PHOTOS BY: DORESE JENAE PORTRAITS
3 WAYS I’M VALUING MY SINGLENESS
GETTING RID OF ALL EXPECTATIONS
When I was 18 years old, I definitely thought I would be married at 28 with kids at 30. Present Candra is so glad that did not happen, and she stopped pretending that she wanted kids. There’s so much that has happened since then that if I was married or, heaven forbid, someone’s mother, I’m pretty sure I would be divorced and in shambles right now. Maybe not, but just seeing how much I’ve grown, I’m thankful I recognized early that I was definitely not ready to be anyone’s wife or mother. At this point, I am still not sure I’m ready to be anyone’s wife. Because there’s so much that I haven’t done and seen — not saying that when you’re married you can’t do these things — but having this title means that someone else requires your time and attention.
Letting go of those expectations of marriage and relationships has been so liberating. I’ve been unlearning and relearning what good relationships are and what I need to do to achieve those things. So, letting go of what I thought my life would be right now makes the future exciting and helps me stay open to all that life has for me.
DOING ALL THE THINGS THAT I WANT TO DO
I have absolutely no idea if/when I will get married. But one thing that I’m not wasting is time pining over what-ifs and what’s to come. I’m using my time to do all the things I want to do or even try. I’m not taking for granted having the ability to pick and go anywhere anytime I want. Or moving across the country to pursue a job I like without attachment. Even yet, being both responsible and irresponsible with my time, money, and life just because I can is great! I don’t want to look at this time of my singleness and regret not doing something when I had the time.
FIGURING OUT WHO I AM AND WHAT I WANT
Having the time and space to figure out who I am and what I want in life has been a journey I’ve appreciated. I think having a clear picture of who you are and what you want means you don’t have to fake the funk when you are on the dating scene. When you know and understand your worth, it’s easier to say no to something/someone. Does this make dating easier? No, but it does make it easier to weed out all the frogs, so you ain’t out here trying to explain to folks what you bring to the table, who pays on the first date, and why I don’t want to talk about the podcasts you’re listening to about men being misogynistic.
SINGLE OR NOT – HOW DID/ARE YOU VALUING YOUR SINGLENESS?
SHOP THE LOOK!
Target Leopard Print Coat (similar) || Old Navy Dress worn as top (similar) || Loft Pants (similar here and here)|| Marc Fisher Booties || SheIn Unicorn Earrings (similar) || Nars Starwoman
